Never Mind. This Opportunity has Been Put on Ice (and I’m all the better for it)
Hello friend, Becca here.
What a difference a few months make. That was when I decided that my passion for working with cannabis as a Spirit Plant Medicine was greater than my draw to produce a television show called Marijuana Straight Talk.
At first I was embarrassed about it and then realized that all the while I’d been working on the show (four pilot episodes that rocked Free Speech network’s ratings, btw) that my enduring interest with cannabis has really been about the essence of the plant that communicates at the level of soul and nurtures deep healing.
I just had to get beyond the fear that by coming out like this as a Spirit Plant Guide I could easily be marginalized and characterized as some nut (well, wouldn’t be the first time).
Anyway, I kept clinging to the high profile, secure world of being on television, on-air.
Seeking the limelight was familiar to me. Making sure you liked me. Accepted me. Respected me. Because I didn’t like myself, accept myself or respect myself. I was like a beggar looking toward everyone else for the validation that I was incapable of giving to myself.
But then, after a period of intense personal emotional healing work, I arrived at the stark realization that what I considered “my passion” was really a desperate pursuit of seeking external approval so that my rock-bottom low self-esteem and deep feelings of inadequacy could be propped up.
“You mean,” I asked myself, after more than two years of producing the TV pilots and spending lots of $$, “that I need to let this all fall by the wayside to do what really calls me?”.
This collapse (also called “surrender” but didn’t feel like that then) was a long time in coming. For many years – decades, all my adult life – I sought relief from difficult emotions that arose from the enduring abuse I suffered as a child.
What would make me feel better? What would quell the tormenting emotions of anxiety, sadness, grief, depression, repressed and expressed anger, guilt and the nagging lack of self-worth that stemmed from relentless childhood trauma?
Over my adult life, I dialed through numerous (countless) therapies and spiritual approaches to find solutions for healing myself.
In the end, a series of synchronicities guided me to Eastern esoteric disciplines, hailing from India, Tibet and Nepal. They were the practices of ancient holy men who were our early edge walkers … embracing sophisticated vigorous body movements and breath work and, and for some, the lift of cannabis.
I’ve been a serious student of difficult emotions and studying under a wise and gifted mentor whose work is of Indian yogic lineage – the 21st century urban continuation of that long line of holy men.
More than a year later, with relentless discipline and perseverance, I consider myself healed. Healed of those out of control emotions that enslaved me in a chaotic, crippling head space.
After this shit storm blew through, I was left standing, in clarity, peace, centeredness.
What arose in the aftermath, was the passion that for so long eluded me.
I had healed myself from the trauma that evoked these emotions. And my healing revealed a deep calling to support others in healing themselves.
You could call this an awakening. As the wounded healer, it is my deep and abiding desire to be in touch with everyone who wishes to pursue this path of healing.
With love & gratitude,
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